Based on Self-Determination Theory

Raise a child who is motivated
from the inside — and stays that way.

The ABC in Action — six scripts for real parenting moments, grounded in what children actually need.
Free. No fluff. Useful straight away.

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Jorit with his children Sarah, Jonah and Nore

Jorit with Sarah, Jonah and Nore

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For children aged 4–12
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Scripts you can use the same day
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Written by a coach and father of three
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Grounded in decades of psychology research

It is not you. Most of us were never taught this.

Most of us grew up with one tool for motivating children: rewards and consequences. It works — until it doesn't. And when it stops working, we blame ourselves or our child. Neither is the right place to look.

Parents I work with often describe it like this.

"He only tries when there's something in it for him. The moment the reward stops, so does the effort."

"She falls apart completely when she makes a mistake. I don't understand where this perfectionism is coming from."

"I feel like I'm constantly managing her rather than actually connecting with her."

"We've tried everything — charts, consequences, praise. Nothing sticks for more than a week."

These aren't character flaws in your child. They are signals about needs that every child has — needs that, when met, change everything.

The three needs behind every difficult moment

Self-Determination Theory is one of the most extensively tested frameworks in psychology. It identifies three universal psychological needs — and when these are consistently met, children do not need to be pushed. They move on their own.

A

Autonomy

The need to feel that your actions genuinely reflect who you are — not just what you've been told to do. Autonomy doesn't mean no rules. It means your child owns the reasons behind them.

B

Belonging

The need to feel truly seen, known, and valued for who you are. Not just physically present in the family — but emotionally held by it. Belonging is the foundation everything else rests on.

C

Competence

The need to grow, to master things that matter, to feel capable. Children are born wired for this. Your job is not to make things easy — it is to trust them with real challenge.

The goal is not to produce a child who does the right things.
It is to raise a person who wants to.

The ABC in Action

6 Scripts for Real Parenting Moments

  • What to say when homework becomes a battle — again
  • How to handle the morning routine without issuing orders
  • What to do when your child is upset and you're in the middle of something
  • How to respond when your child says something that stings
  • What to say when they give up after one failed attempt
  • How to respond when they say "I'm stupid" or "I can't do anything right"
Free download →

Six scripts. Use one now.

These six script cards turn the ABC framework into something practical and immediate. Each one shows a real situation, a first instinct most parents will recognise, a better response, and a brief note on why it works differently.

No jargon. No perfection required. Just a small shift in the words you reach for — and a different experience for your child the same day.

No spam, ever. Unsubscribe any time.

Jorit de Kruijff with his children Sarah, Jonah and Nore

I built a career on this framework. Then I became a father.

I am Jorit — a coach who has built his entire practice on Self-Determination Theory, and the father of Sarah, Jonah and Nore. I have seen it work consistently with the adults I coach.

Fatherhood changed my understanding of what applying it actually requires. Knowing the theory is one thing. Applying it at the end of a long day, when a seven-year-old refuses to put his shoes on, is something else entirely. I had to find out what it actually looks like at home. That is what I am writing about.

I want other parents to feel what I felt the first evening something shifted — when my son Jonah and I had the same conversation we had always had, except this time it landed. That is what this is about.

— Jorit

Writing now

The book I am writing

Raise Them From Within goes deeper into what the ABC framework looks like need by need — what chronic Autonomy frustration actually looks like in a child, how Belonging breaks and repairs, what builds Competence that lasts. This free guide is where the book begins. Sign up and you will be the first to hear when it launches.

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— Jorit